Again..

Sat for an hour today looking at my broken bike. Seems to be a metaphor for a lot of things that are going on right now, this unused potential, a broken dream that nned not be so if it was possible for others to see the dream through others eyes... well. What can you do but have another cigarette and hope that the feeling that something inside you is dying very slowly will pass, that you gain some use of the rest of a stereotypical april afternoon. Maybe its time to make some plans. But thats goona invove being serious and thinking constructively about things, and it seems so much easier to have a cup of coffee and a lie down and maybe put on one more record before starting the vast slog of work that lies ahead. I need to decide what to do this summer. I need to get a new job. I need to save some money, and i need to get something published if i'm going to try and get some kind of masters sponsorship to go abroad. I need to move house. i need to do some more exercise (maybe when the bike isn't broken). I need to spend some more time with my girlfriend. i need to read those books i bought but just put on the shelf like so many other things designed to make me feel better about myself. i need to throw a lot of stuff out. i need to take some more pictures, and write some more songs. I need to buy an £10 junk bike from a jumble sale and spray it black. The outlook is bleak but surely everyday that passes unfulfilled brings me close to the inevitable end when i can stop trying. This is depressing but hey james, is that ok with you, that we might not all feel 100% all the time? That we might all have really unimportant issues that have passed really and are all stemming from the unconscious fear of growing up and giving up? Maybe its not just you that feels like this, maybe we all just need to grow up a bit and act more like our parents, and less how we perceive them to be? Enough.